Honoring Martin Luther King, Jr.: Stick with Love
As Martin Luther King Jr. Day approaches, I’d like to offer a reflection on one of my favorite MLK quotes: “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
How can we stick with love in the face of injustice and cruelty? A good start is realizing that we are the ones that suffer when our mind is contracted with hatred. We are the ones that benefit when our heart is not consumed with bitterness and instead wishes well towards others. The Buddha teaches that harboring hatred for another is like picking up a hot coal to throw at the object of your anger not realizing that you are the one who is getting burned. Or like drinking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.
Dr. King says, “I know that love is ultimately the only answer…I’m not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love; I’m talking about a strong, demanding love. I’ve seen too much hate on the faces of too many Klansmen and too many White Citizens Councilors in the South to want to hate, myself, because every time I see it, I know that it does something to their faces and their personalities, and I say to myself that hate is too great a burden to bear. I have decided to love.”
The love that MLK talks about is the love expressed in the Greek concept of agape. King describes it as “an overflowing love, which seeks nothing in return… the love of God operating in the human heart…when one rises to love on this level, [one] is able to love the person who does the evil deed, while hating the deed that the person does.”
In Buddhism, loving-kindness or metta practice has the goal of cultivating an unconditional love towards all beings without distinction. In the practice, we send warm wishes first to ourself, then to a benefactor, followed by a loved one, then a neutral person. We gradually work up to advanced metta when we include someone in the “difficult” category.
What does it mean to wish true happiness to those we have difficulty with—not only keeping our hearts open to them but going the extra step by actually wishing them well? We are wishing them to experience a specific kind of happiness, that is a genuine, uplifting happiness that is based in a spirit of non-harming. When someone truly experiences that kind of happiness, they are no longer a threat to those around them. Their hostility is disarmed.
Father Gregory Boyle writes in his wonderful book, Tattoos on the Heart, about his inspiring work with ex-gang members in LA, helping them access the goodness that’s been inside waiting for the right conditions to be awakened. He has a remarkable success rate. His guiding principle is very simple: Love, no matter what. This requires looking beneath the outward behavior to see the Buddha or Christ or Kingdom of Heaven within them. When someone sees our goodness, it often helps us begin to connect with it even if we have trouble seeing it for ourselves.
We all came into this world as innocent beings full of wonder and potential. Our outer circumstances then shape us in ways that are, to a large degree, out of our control. By understanding the causes and conditions that would make someone do hurtful things—the upbringing, the likelihood of trauma, the distorted worldview that sees another as an enemy or threat—we can begin to have compassion for them instead of hatred. I’ve always been moved by the phrase, “There but for the grace of God go I.” It makes me aware of my privileged life. It becomes easier to envision myself in the other person’s shoes and imagine what I would be like if I experienced similar circumstances.
“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr.
We come into this world as innocent beings who, I believe, have an inherent goodness inside. A study by psychological researcher, Felix Warneken, demonstrates this. An adult, hanging towels on a line with clothespins, “accidentally” dropped a clothespin while a toddler was playing nearby. In each trial, without being asked, every one of the 24 toddlers who saw the adult struggling to reach down to the ground while holding the towel offered help right away. There is a natural goodness within each of us that enjoys helping others.
Of course, it’s true that, for those who learn a “me-first” mentality or see others in a different “tribe” as an enemy, greed and hatred become the conditioned habit. This is where another of Jesus’ teachings has been such a powerful practice for me. When Jesus says on the cross, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do,” he understands that they are lost in the ignorance of their conditioning, not knowing that true well-being comes from love.
We affect each other in a profound way. When we spend time around kind people we naturally grow in kindness. When we more often associate with mean or angry people, we tend to become meaner and angrier. Attachment, aversion, and ignorance are called the “three poisons” in Buddhist teachings (also known as “greed, hatred and delusion”). They are said to be the direct cause of suffering. And unless we are around people who remind us of a better way, they become our default relationship to the world around us. What a painful way to go through life.
Their opposites—generosity, kindness, and wisdom—are said to be the source of happiness. If we are fortunate to spend much time around those who value these qualities, we value them ourselves. That is why it is so important to choose our friends wisely. As the Buddha strongly advises, “Keep the company of the wise.” Even when we know better, it still takes practice to strengthen these skillful habits and go against the stream of all the cultural messages that condition the “me-first” mindset.
Because we affect each other, we ourselves can bring out the best or the worst in those around us. That is why Dr. King’s instruction to stick with love is such a profound practice. I’m not saying I can do it all the time. I haven’t attained sainthood. But I can say that for quite some time my main practice has been to lead with love. When I first read Be Here Now, the book that changed my life, I took to heart a simple teaching of Ram Dass’s guru, Neem Karoli Baba. He taught, “The best form to worship God is every form.” How could I do that, I thought to myself? I decided one way to try was to look for the good in everyone and everything.
It’s been one of the most important decisions in my life and my main practice for all these years. Think of how you feel when you sense someone is judging you? Probably defensive and wary. And how is it when you feel someone is tuning into your goodness? Generally, you’re more at ease, you relax and let your natural self come out. We have a tremendous influence on everyone around us. That is one reason Dr. King’s message resonates with me and why I am so deeply inspired by him. Hate is too great a burden to bear. I’m sticking with love.